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Youve heard of carbon offsets, right? The idea here is that you can keep your air conditioner running constantly from April through September, and your heater the rest of the year, and run a load of laundry just to wash a bow tie and a pair of Speedos, and you and your spouse can drive two separate SUVs two blocks to purchase a coal-powered water heater, and its all ecologically copacetic because you gave some money to some company thats trying to save the world from people like you. Just a few thousand dollars can convert you from an atmosphere-despoiling narcissist to a fern-fondling flower child without you having to change your lifestyle in the least.

Clearly, there are no issues or problems with this system whatsoever, which is why Im launching a number of corporations designed to help you improve every aspect of your life through the power of giving people money. With enough income, you can be the person you always wanted to be

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